Do you think you married your mother?

If you will hang in there and read this whole post, I will explain the root of most of our marriage problems. Really.
I will cover as much of this issue as I can. For the real message and all the deep details, you need to visit Joel and Kathy's website. BestMarriage.com They have free counseling calls and an open forum for getting to the marriage you dreamed of. Now, on with the show.
According to the counseling I have received, every man has within him the full capacity to completely take care of one adult woman. We are fully equipped to meet the needs of only one. Get that? We can care for our daughters, or our mother, or others who need our help. But, we don't have the emotional capacity to focus the best part of us on more than the one. It should be our wife. With me so far?
The problem arises when we are children. Since very few men are willing to put that much effort into focusing on the needs of their wife, the kids get to do it. Momma needs someone to hang out with her. She needs someone out in the garden while she makes it pretty. She needs someone to sit down at the end of the day and have a conversation with her. She needs someone to take action when the trash is full, or the dishes are piled up, or the cat pukes on the rug, or that stupid light in the fridge needs to be replaced, or whatever. She needs someone to show her, by action, that she is important. If dad won't do that stuff, she ends up leaning on the kids. She needs the oxytocin to flow in her brain. The stuff that makes her feel at peace. The stuff that helps her relax and rest. It helps her body heal itself and gives her insulation against stress. She gets it from hugs, smiles, kisses and compliments. She gets it from any form of sincere affection. She can even get it from her cat if nobody else will do it. But, she wants it from her husband and children. If she doesn't get it, she gets cortisol. That's the poison her body produces from stress, anxiety, misery, frustration, loneliness, etc. It drags her down. It damages her physically and emotionally. It makes her dark and angry. Seriously.
So what's the problem? Wen daddy doesn't create mummy's oxytocin she gets it from the kids. Not a big problem, for her, as long as she gets it. The problem is for the kids. Specifically the boys. The boys grow up as mommy's little man. They gradually assume more and more of the things daddy should be doing with and for mommy. It creates a strong bond between them. But, it's probably not the healthiest bond. The boys often end up carrying entirely too much responsibility for mommy's emotional needs. The often become the only sympathetic ear when mommy has had a bad day. So, these little men grow up and eventually get married. There's usually some separation issues, right? They normally find that great girl who probably even reminds them of momma in some ways. Not really a bad thing most of the time. But.....
Once they slip that wedding ring on their wife's hand, something changes. She is no longer the girlfriend, or fiancé or even just a friend. She's a married adult woman. Wow. Do you see where this is going? Suddenly he is married to an adult woman who has needs. Eventually, those needs are going to look a lot like momma. Something inside us begins to resist. Something inside us starts to feel like momma is here and we are smothered by someone who needs us. We will often back away, or get aggravated or even run when those needs start to show up. Mostly because we never felt like it was right when momma was all in our business and now someone else is doing it. We want our space. We want momma to find somewhere else to be until we need her for something. It's not something we do on purpose or plan, it just kinda happens.
So, how do we fix it? First by understanding what has happened. Then by deciding that this is our wife and we love her. We want to be with her. We want to be involved in everything that matters to her. We want to meet her needs. We chose her. We had no choice in what momma we got, but we chose this person to spend our life with. We have to take action.
Jump on BestMarriage.com and sign up for the forum. Send them an email or even call them. Read the good stuff about how to make your marriage amazing. Whatever you do with this new understanding, just move towards her instead of away. She needs you.

Plan B

Ever heard that? They use it in movies. Everything is falling apart, plans are failing, things are going wrong. Someone says, "go to plan B!" That means we messed something up or someone didn't follow the plan or something interfered with our main plan. So, abandon the original plan and go to the backup. Brilliant.
My problem with this, is that for there to be a plan B, someone had to assume that plan A might not work out. In marriage, plan b would sound like this....
If I don't feel the love....
If they don't respect me....
If I am not happy.....
If this just doesn't work out....
If they ever cheat on me....
I am outta here! I will find someone else. I will just move on a start over.
Happens all the time. The big problem with that is this. We just take our same personality, immaturity, selfishness and unrealistic expectations and throw it all on the next person.
I am not telling those abused and neglected wives to sit back and take it. No way. Do not just allow someone to abuse you and think it's ok. You deserve better than that. I am also not telling those rare men with good hearts and attitudes to sit back while a mean or vengeful wife runs you ragged. However, honestly, it's probably one in a thousand failed marriages that can be blamed on the wife. Men don't usually plan to be bad husbands. We don't plan to become abusive. We don't plan to neglect or berate our wives. But, sometimes we just get so far off track that we become monsters. I did. I honestly thought I was the perfect husband. Even until the moment I found out how sick of me she was, I thought I was doing great. Why? Because I knew how bad her past was. I knew how many losers had been in her life before me. I knew her dad left when she was little. I knew she had abusive step fathers and boyfriends. But, in my mind, I was better than them. So, obviously, I was a good man. Compared to them. But we can't compare ourselves to other people and become who we are supposed to be. We compare ourselves to what we want or need to be and try to obtain that. As Christians, we have to compare ourselves to Christ. Compared to a perfect man like him, I didn't look good at all. Compared to someone who taught love, compassion and absolute self sacrifice for the ones you love.... I was a total jackass. I was the problem. I was the one who damaged the marriage. My wife had done so much more than was even reasonable to maintain that crappy marriage. I need to get her a medal. She was a hero. She held the family together in spite of me. So....
Knowing all that. I had to change. To make plan A come back to life, I had to move. Fortunately, we did save plan A. Pure grace. Not because I suddenly became a perfect guy. But because she gave me time to get my crap together. It took almost three years for her to finally trust me and accept that I was serious. Still not fair. I got three years of hell compared to the 20 years she was drug around behind me and neglected.
So what does plan A look like? Plan A is we make it work. We do whatever it takes to make our family and marriage work. Not kinda work, but thrive. I have to become the man of her dreams if I ever hope to have her become the woman of mine. She has to trust me and believe that I love her more than anyone or anything else. Women don't give themselves wholeheartedly to you unless they believe you are doing the same. They have to trust us. It's our job to step up and become the men they need. So we do it. No matter how they respond or react or love us or don't love us. We just keep doing the right thing and really love them. That's plan A.
Plan B sucks. Once you start considering plan B, you take energy away from plan A. Don't do it. Fantasizing, daydreaming, flirting and cheating are all part of plan B. just stop it. Confucius said that the man who chases two butterflies catches neither. The fact that you consider plan B hints at character flaws that you will just carry into the next relationship. Fix it now. Give plan A all your focus. Seriously. She is worth it.

Did you hear that?

Most guys are going to go from reading, to scanning, to closing the page within 4 seconds. Bet on it.
Why? We don't care. We don't listen, we don't try to listen, we don't want to be told we don't listen, we assume we did listen even though any rational person could prove we didn't. It's a fact.
I came home once, after spending a day with my dad, and told her all the great stuff I learned from him. He had pointed out how I was letting things get to me, how I was creating stress, how to get past stuff, etc. etc. My wife just stared at me. For about 15 seconds after I finished. Awkward silence. "I have been telling you the exact same thing for years. Why could you hear it from him, but not me?" No good answer. I honestly couldn't remember her ever saying anything like that. Obviously.... She was completely crazy. Either that, or I never actually listened to her.
At our marriage intensive with Joel and Kathy Davisson, they listened to my whining and griping during our private session. I told them how crappy my life had been, how used and ripped off I had been, how hurt I had been, how everything was everyone else's fault and other useful information. Kathy leaned over and told me to let it go. (See the post "Let it go" for the rest of that) I did. Life changed immediately. No joke. I was actually able to just let it go, detach my emotions from my past and move on. Wow. My wife, again, just stared at me. I had done it again. Kathy told me to let it go, I heard what she said, and did it. How could I hear it from one person but not my wife? I honestly didn't remember ever hearing her say that.
But, then something weird happened. As she was telling me how she had told me to let it go, I saw something. As she said "let it go," my brain flashed an image, it kinda covered up what my eyes saw. I promise, this sounds weirder than it actually was. In front of me, my beautiful wife simply said to let it go. My mind translated that into a mean woman, glaring at me with a finger in my face, telling me what to do. Crap. I think that had happened before. I think part of our marriage issues came from me blocking out what she was saying, either on purpose or just as a reaction. My mom is a tough lady with a short fuse, I guess my mind was trying to make them the same person. Yeah, weird. ( I will get into the whole mother/son thing later )
After that, things really changed for me. I can hear her now. When she says she is thirsty, I want to get her a drink. When she mentions her feet hurt, I want to get the lotion and rub her feet. When she says she doesn't like something, I make a note to not let that happen again. When she asks for something, it's a priority. Not henpecked, just listening and proving to her that I am. You are not more of a man that me because you brush her off and laugh about her with your buddies. Making her the most important person in my world and proving it daily makes me all the man she needs. She needs me to prove it to her. She needs her knight to rescue her from everything that traps her. She is not a nag. You just don't listen so she has to repeat it. Can you do it? Can you step up to do what has to be done? Do you love her enough to stop everything, turn yourself towards her and listen to what she says? It does not feel natural at first, trust me on that, but it will. Honestly, who do you really want to impress? The one person in your life who you have vowed to love, honor and cherish? Or the other guys? Seriously. What kind of man is more concerned with what other men think than what his wife thinks?  Make her first. Listen. Love her the way she wants to be loved. She will tell you. She has been trying to tell you. You can have the strongest marriage to your best friend if you will just listen.
Try it.