The rights of our children

I read something from Dr. James Dobson a while back, it hit me hard. Can't find the exact book to quote it from. Basically, he talked about giving our kids certain freedoms. The one he was focused on was the freedom of interruption. Honestly, don't remember more than the basic idea, but it was enough. He said one sure way to let someone know they are loved, is by your willingness to stop whatever you are doing and give them your attention. I was never like that before. Revelation. We multitask so much these days. We can watch tv, email, text, eat and sometimes even drive at the same time. (Don't) I guess our natural inclination is to just throw the kids in there with everything else, just another task.  Wow.

So, since getting hit with that, I started trying it. Whenever my wife or kids approach me with a question or comment or whatever, I stop and turn to them. Most of the time. Still slip, but it's becoming habit. The change has been pretty dramatic. My wife talks to me more, and I enjoy listening to her talk. Big change from someone who could hardly look at me for almost three years. My kids seem to be more of a part of my life. They didn't change, I did. Over time, it will become a natural response, but it still seems like a challenge. Old habits die hard. Most of me still tries to add them to the multitasking. So there's one, the freedom to interrupt. 

Another one is the freedom to question. My kids still struggle with this because I trained them against it. For a long time, I reacted instead of responding to questions. Didn't even hear the question. Tried that psychic mind reading technique where I figure out what they "really" want. Living defensively makes it hard to have good relationships.  I tell my kids that they have the absolute right to ask questions if they don't understand something. I gave them the freedom to challenge me if I make a decision or demand that they don't understand. (Note here. If I tell them to clean their room, they don't get to challenge that. They know why.) I don't want little drones that can't think for themselves or think like lemmings. I want my kids to be able to figure out things and have the life they want, not one they were told to have. They need that freedom. It's not easy watching them make those decisions some times, but it better than watching the life drain out of them in a life they hate.  Don't freak out when your kids ask questions or have different opinions. Let them ask, have a conversation, hear what they think. It's a different world. I will let you know when I am good at this one. 

Freedom from doubt. Tricky one. My kids were spanked. Not violently, used a plastic spatula or wooden spoon. Tell them what they did, tell them what is going to happen, quick pop on the butt, cool down, talk about it, hug, over. There were really just two things that required a smack on the butt. Hurting someone on purpose and lying. We told them that it is very important we are able to trust you. We have to be able to take your word over everyone else. We still do. It's really hard sometimes, especially when you know that they are human and still try to get away with stuff. Harder when you know their friends are taking advantage of honest kids. I trust my kids. They know I trust them. Yes, there are still times when stuff goes wrong. But, overall, I think it has been a good policy. 

One of my kids had an abusive teacher. She yelled and threatened the kids. She threw things at kids. She called them stupid. She singled her out and embarrassed my girl in class. My daughter said it had been going on all year and she hated it. One day in class, she had enough, got up and walked out. This teacher yelled at her to sit down, but she kept going and got the principal. Somehow, our daughter ended up in a situation where we had to get involved and challenge her or accept what she claimed. We took her word and told the principal she didn't lie and we stood behind her. The principal sorted it out, talked to other kids, verified the stories and fired the teacher. We took the word of a seven year old over an adult. We still trust our kids like that. Takes time and mistakes are made, but it's worth it. 

That's the main three I am working on. Freedom, right, whatever you want to call it. Things they are able to do without "dad the ogre" attacking them. The right to interrupt me, the right to question me and the right to be trusted. They will test all of them. They will interrupt you to the point of madness to see if you really do it. They will ask insane questions and challenge everything for a while to see if you are serious. They will attempt to get away with things and frustrate you intentionally to find out if they really matter. Stick it out. It's all part of loving them. 

Three people you need in your life

I learned this from Bishop Sam Drye, or possibly his wife Rheba. They have both heavily invested time and wisdom into my family. Either way, that sets the stage.

They taught me about three kinds of people we need to have in our lives. Friends, mentors and protégés. I guess a lot of us are content with just the friends, not so much with the others. But we need all three. They would qualify as mentors. People who have lived longer, learned more, done things I haven't, made more mistakes, found what works and what doesn't. The most successful people in the world will all, without exception, admit to having a mentor of some type. Coaches, pastors, teachers, parents, supervisors and writers are all types of mentors. Mentors are just people who care enough to offer us advice that can make our life better. Sometime simple stuff, sometimes serious stuff. I have compared some advice from a mentor to being handed a map of a minefield I must cross. Thankful for the map, respectful of what it took to make that map. 

Friends is self explanatory. Those people who post the goofy videos on Facebook for you. The guys who you MUST have a beer with. The girls you MUST take shopping with you. The ones who really know you well enough to pick on you about stupid stuff. The ones honest enough to laugh at you when you dress like an idiot. The ones who will rush to your side when you fall, then laugh out loud and post the video. Good friends. Ones we can totally be ourselves with. We listen to their crap, they listen to ours. Our wives need those friends more than most guys understand. I didn't. Part of my abusiveness was interfering with my wife's friendships. One specifically. One of her closest friends caused the turning point in me. She chewed me out so bad one night, I went speechless. She ripped into me like a shark. She told me how my wife really felt and why I was such a jackass. A light came on. I heard that. She absolutely did not believe me when my only response was, "ok, I get it. Thank you for explaining all that." But she opened my eyes to why my wife wanted out. My wife needs friends like that. Someone who loves her enough to attack a guy 3 times her size. Your does, too. Shut up and leave her friends alone. 

Protégés. That's a big word for a Georgia boy, but it's the only one that seems to work. These are the people we pour our lives into because we care about them. The guy you "coach" from the car window about how he needs driving lessons doesn't count. Your kids count. Sometimes, their friends count. The people who work under you or even with you can count. Anyone who you care about and you treat with respect and compassion can count. Bullies, tyrants, control freaks and general jackasses don't have protégés, they have subjects or victims. People who are just stuck with them. If you, like I was, qualify as one of them.... Your teaching and training are not being received. You are being tolerated. Don't be a jerk to your kid, then get mad when they defied you or ignored you. Seriously. Would you accept coaching from someone like you? Change the attitude. Offer advice. Don't cram it down their throat. Don't beat them up with how smart you are and how stupid they are. ( Humility, old post, read that one ) Do everything with compassion, keeping in mind you want to HELP. 

At the moment, I do have all three in my life. The list changes from year to year, I guess that's pretty normal. Some will always be on it, some serve their time and move on. Go easy on the protégés, you won't know for years whether they listened or if your advice was good. Be humble, consider your advice carefully before dumping it on them. Go easy on the mentors, they are trying to help. They don't know everything. They aren't responsible for your happiness or intelligence for following direction. They are also not responsible for your attitude. They don't owe you. They are friends with more wisdom who want to see you do well. The friends, do what you do. Enjoy them, laugh at them, protect them or whatever you do. Forget the drama, be a friend, have a friend. 

That's all I've got to say about that. 

What the heck is she so mad about?

Can I take a few minutes and explain why she gets mad about "nothing?" Very rarely is she mad about whatever you think she is mad about. Usually, we are close. Might even be the same subject, but not the reason. I don't know if I will be able to put this into the best words. I may have to rely on some stories to make this point.
I have some married friends who aren't on board with my hard earned advice, yet. She is a good friend of my wife, almost like sisters when they are together. He is kinda in his own world. Heavily involved with a religious group that makes no sense to me. They notoriously pick and choose which parts of the bible they see as most important. Seems to be the parts that support however they choose to live. Good people for the most part, just hard to communicate with. He regularly uses their teachings to interfere with family issues and things that matter to her. Meanwhile, using different ones to justify whatever he wants to do. ( Don't bother asking which group, not getting into that since most do it to one extreme or another )
They run their own business. They only own one vehicle, a work van. Two seats for a family of four. She has been asking him for over a year to buy a second car for her and the kids. Consistently, almost  every week, asking for a car. A few days ago, another friend called him and wanted to talk. He told him how dangerous it was and how he was endangering his family by putting them in that work van. So. He goes home and informs his wife that he thinks they should buy another car. Stunned silence. Really. Why? Because his friend chewed him out and made him see the problem. She is mad at him. She is going to get the car, but she is insanely angry at him. Guys, tell me why. Before reading any farther, try to figure it out. Ready?
She is mad because he doesn't listen to her. Her opinion doesn't matter. She has been practically begging for a year with no response. A buddy gets on to him for ten minutes and the world comes into focus. Make sense? It makes sense to her. He heard something that a buddy said and ignored the same thing from the most important person in his life. Get it? Here's a better one....
Me. I have already written about my angry past in several. Even got into the details of listening (let it go) and actually hearing. My family has a great history of refusing to forgive and move on. Some of them have defined their whole life by a few tragic things in their past. I ended doing the same thing. Spent ten years growing dark and angry over things in my life that were just wrong. It was always there, I was trained to stay angry. Trained by some of the best. Sarcasm and frustration gradually evolved into hatred and darkness. Bitterness was always in my attitude. I got mean. From the first year of our marriage, my wife told me to just let that stuff go. She told me every time it showed up. Never heard her. In our private counseling session withJoel and Kathy Davisson, Kathy told me that I could just let it go. I did. They didn't believe me at first. I understood. It made sense. I could just let it go. My wife wasn't impressed. She was glad that it finally clicked, but seriously pissed off that I heard it from someone else.
We generally assume that the final, finished product is all that really matters. We rarely consider the issues and details along the way. She does. Everything we say and do confirms her as that very important person, or shows her that she doesn't really matter. Our intentions might be good, but our actions tell her the story. Most guys are ok with taking the same amount of time trying to convince her that he loves her than just spending the same energy to show her.
So, she is mad because your actions, attitude, behavior, decisions or whatever it is, tell her that she isn't as important as you say. There are usually more things than just that, but that seems to be the core of it. You can't fake that stuff. You can't just talk a good game and get away with it. You have to take the time to really know her and what matters to her. Then you have to make the effort to put all that new information into daily practice. It's no different than learning any new skill. You have to put in the time and effort to make your home happy. She's not the thermostat, either. You are. You set the tone by loving her right and listening. Don't put that pressure on her. Step up, be the man, take responsibility for your home and marriage. Just like a busted pipe or a blown fuse, there's a problem. Find the problem, fix the problem, take the steps to prevent it from becoming a problem again.
Take some time to make a list this week. Make a list of the things that make her happy. Things she enjoys. Things that are important to her. Then make another list of things she doesn't like. Be as thorough as possible, everything you can think of. Then let her read the list. See how close you are. Let her correct anything she doesn't agree with. Then thank her and study that list. It's like having a cheat sheet for the relationship. Do this, don't do that. Simple. It's just a good starting point. A guide for ways to make life good for her.
You guys have a great week.