The art of telling great lies

Yeah, I am gonna go there. I have gotten to spend some time with a young BS artist recently. He says whatever he thinks will get him the results he wants. Like most amateur con men, he's the only one who thinks he is getting away with it. We have all come to the point where we just assume he is lying about everything. Makes it easier to deal with him.

I have had to explain some of this to my kids recently, and to our aspiring politician. I grew up looking for ways to con people. I got really good at it. At 16 years old, I had convinced most of the local liquor stores in my hometown that I was 23. Never showed an ID, just talked a good game. Apparently I also have ogre in my blood, it helps when you can grow a solid mustache at 14. I went merrily along, pretty smug because I thought I was outsmarting everyone all the time. I fudged my way through school like that, too. Mostly. Until it kinda ran out and I gave up. Just walked out and quit high school at 16. Still blows my mind that at 16, I was even allowed to make a choice like that. My smooth talk just took me as far as it could, there were no results. My elaborate tree had no fruit.

There's this classic joke, has to go in here. Sorry about the language.

A turkey and a bull are standing in a pasture, next to a very tall tree. The turkey is sad, the bull asks why. Seems that all the turkey wants out of life, is to be able to fly to the top of that tree, but he can't do it. The bull informs him that his poop has magic powers that will lift him to the top. So, the turkey eats some bull poop and tried it. Goes way higher than ever before, but not high enough. So, the bull says he needs more and whips up a fresh batch. The turkey, uh, gobbles it up. Turns to the tree and flies straight up to the highest branch. He then turns to flap his wings and wave at the bull when a hunter blasts him out of the tree. The moral of the story? Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

I figured out, early on how to mix in enough truth that most people would never be able to pick out the lie. Kinda like mixing a small dog turd into a batch of brownies. Who would really know? Might suspect something wasn't right, but couldn't really pick it out. The other magical thing I learned was how to convince myself first. See. If I believed my own garbage, it was much easier to convince someone else. So, to tell the great lies, I had to manipulate the truth into it to disguise it. Then I went over it in my mind until it wasn't just a possibility, it became real to me. Even I believed it.

It's hard watching people do this when I see the process. Right now, I am watching a very amazing young lady, get suckered in by this for at least the third time. Young guys, who probably have good intentions, have convinced her that they know what love is and that she should give herself to them. Always some guy she has known for a while. Always someone who knows her and enough about her to be trusted. Always someone who talks a good game. They are all going to get shot out of the tree. That BS cannot keep someone "in love" when there's no substance. Telling someone over and over that you loves them doesn't mean crap. Talking big on Facebook and telling the world you love them doesn't mean crap. Making big promises and playing someone's emotions like you have the intention of making their dreams come true.... Again.... Just crap. 

Ladies, may I offer a challenge. (Since I already figured out it's mostly ladies who read this anyway) put on some X-ray glasses and take a look through the poop.  I want you to compare yourself to a newborn baby for a minute. That baby is loved regardless of what it does. The parents have absolutely no benefit from this tiny, stinky wrecking machine than the joy of being part of it's life. The baby pukes on them, they just clean it up. The kid knocks Cheerios into the far reaches of the galaxy, parents clean it up. The kid blows out a diaper on the front walkway of the house, one that almost requires intervention from the EPA..... The parents clean it up. Still love that child. Still happy to hold it an care for it. Probably some sarcastic jokes about the messes, but never enough to consider letting it go. That's a pretty solid example of love. The parents, for the joy of having that child in their world, care for it with no real thought of how it benefits them. Really. The kid has no job, lays around all day, cries for everything, pouts when it doesn't get it's way, eats but never cooks or cleans, makes messes without ever touching a vacuum or washer.... We are still talking about the baby. Not your man. I hope. That's all fair from a baby, not an adult male. 

To the ladies, I say, don't put up with a guy like that, expect more. Don't put out for him either. The liars and mooches will move on to an easier target if the relationship has no benefit for them. To the guys, I say, don't be a jackass. Stop convicting yourself that it's ok to be a toddler. Love your wife without the immaturity of expecting her to respond or for everything to benefit you. 

And. To the single ladies out there. For cryin' out loud, stop letting every amateur con artist have your heart or your body. If they don't see you playing a little defense, they will go for the end zone every time. Don't just hear what they say, watch what they do. Skeptically. Protect yourself a little. Like I said, the best lies involve convincing yourself first. Just because a guy truly believes he is in love, doesn't mean he has any idea what that really is. 

One more time. Visit <a href="http://BestMarriage.co.com">Joel and Kathy</a> and read a little. Join their forums and find out what kind of junk people allow into their lives. See how much work it takes to put yourself back together after you allow some loser free reign to ruin your life. You deserve better. My wife and daughters deserve better than they have had. I am still learning and growing. Not hiding behind the BS anymore. Not waiting to see how any of these relationships benefit me. I love them because I love them. And just for the record, I have ZERO tolerance for any more losers interfering with any of my girls. Yes. That is a legitimate threat. Have a nice day. 

I am going to pick a fight!

Might be crossing a line with this one. But, in the words of Mel Gibson pretending to be William Wallace.... "I'm going to pick a fight!"
There are three young ladies who mean the world to me. Oddly enough, they all look a lot like my bride. Wonderful girls with hearts of gold. Each one wonderful and unique, but enough alike that they become one single happy personality when you put them all together. Easy to love or fall in love with ladies like that.
They saw me at my worst. They saw my attitude become dark and caustic. They saw me transform into a monster. They know how our marriage started, how in love we were and what we have been through. They know what kind of butthead I became. Two of them have been through the crap with a guy like me. They started off like the perfect guy but changed after the wedding. (Go read my last few posts about all the reasons) They started off seeing these girls as who they wanted them to be. Beautiful, funny and potentially perfect trophy wives. The dating game didn't work out. It should have been a time to learn each other, but it wasn't. The guys didn't learn the girls, didn't take the time to understand them and their needs. The marriages were doomed by nice guys who talk good but don't listen. Pretty common problem. Like I told my girls, the big difference between you and me... At one time, I WAS a teenage boy. Yep. I know what goes on inside a guy's head. I was that guy who talked a good game but never really delivered. I was that jerk who told the girls whatever they wanted to hear. The guy who made promises he never intended to keep. (Sorry to the poor girls who expected more out of me back then) I am a recovering jackass.  Trust me, I am practically an expert on how guys operate. So, here's my challenge....
Not just to these three perfect ladies, but to any single ladies out there (Especially the ones who seem to be loser magnets.) I want you to test these guys. Size them up before you make any commitment to them. Think about it like an investment. You are about to commit to something that will affect the rest of your life. You don't buy a house or a car or even a cheeseburger without giving it some thought. Why would you jump into a relationship with someone who just gives you information without letting you negotiate the deal? Don't you shop around before buying a car? Don't you visit several houses before signing a contract? Don't you consider health ratings and the condition of the bathroom before deciding to eat that cheeseburger? One great piece of advice I got about investments. "The high majority of decisions are purely emotional. Emotional decisions are rarely good ones." Used car salesmen know about the "walk away." That customer who doesn't need to argue, or haggle or complain. They put an offer out there, state their case and shut up. If their offer isn't good enough, they just walk away and find someone who will meet their conditions. Don't be afraid to walk away. Don't sell yourself short and get stuck with a potential abuser. Filter out the losers. Being alone is probably better than neglected or abused.
So, test them. Here's the trick, don't EVER tell them it's a test. Ask for something and see if it happens. Mention what your favorite candy or flower is, casually. Give it a few days or a week and mention that you would love some candy or flowers. Do not tell them what kind, tell them to just pick something. Do not make excuses for them later. When you mention that you love payday bars because you love peanuts and hate chocolate, there's no excuse for getting a three musketeers handed to you. If you mention that you love daisys because they are simple with no thorns, there's no excuse for getting a rose. Seriously. It's not petty stuff, it's the details that add up to perfection. If you tell a guy you are a vegan and can't even be around meat, don't even look back when he takes you to Burger King. You might have a friend to hang out with, but not a great match for lifelong companionship.
Honestly, when a guy just blathers on about how much he loves you, without ANY REAL EVIDENCE, he doesn't or doesn't understand love at all. Most guys use love to get sex and girls use sex to get love. When most guys say "I love you" to a pretty young thing it means they want in their pants. But, most guys honestly think they understand love and that's just part of it. It's not. Give yourself to the guy who loves you completely. Who knows you. The guy who does good things for you and has a track record for being honest and dependable. If he's divorced, don't be afraid to do a "credit check" with the ex-wife. She can probably tell you stuff you are going to learn the hard way. You don't have to sneak around either. Does he have something to hide?
I am not about bashing other guys. Seriously. I just can't take watching my favorite people treated like doormats or abused. I desperately want them to meet that guy who loves them as much as their family. The guy who understands how valuable and precious they are. And, as parents. Look at it like this. At the wedding, you are handing off a family treasure to someone who promises to take care of it. How are you going to feel when you visit and see it damaged and neglected? I know how I felt.
We can't all make perfect decisions. We, as men, are not perfect and will make mistakes. We just can't keep making the same ones over and over. Men can change, if they see a legitimate need and decide to do it. Ladies, don't commit to an idiot thinking you can change him. You won't. Just think about it. Decide your own value before you let someone else tell you.
Sorry about the rabbit trail here. Just needed to run awhile.

Where it all began

So there I was, minding my own business.....
I was 15 years old, freshman in high school, in a weight lifting class in the the gym. Just finding my way around. Meeting new people. Getting used to high school. Then she walked in.
The first time I saw her, I was completely stunned. She was beautiful. She was completely different from every other girl at school. She had my full attention. Really. I don't remember anything else that day. Just her. No. I didn't talk to her. The thought almost made me throw up. Actually, I don't think I ever spoke a word to her in school. She was out of my league. I was the goofy pothead kid. The clown, the grease monkey, the long haired freak. It was 1986 and I was a weird kid even during that era. She was perfect. At least in my mind, where she spent a lot of time.
The first time I remember speaking to her was a strange day. My dad, who had never done anything like this....ever, came home and made me get in the car. "You have to see this girl." That's all I got out him for the 10 minute ride. He had stopped at a little drug store where she was working. He was blown away by her whole presence. So he made me go in and buy something just to meet her. We talked for a few seconds, nothing earth shattering. That was it. He was a little disappointed that we weren't planning the wedding while I was in there. I told him, she went to my school and I know who she is. That was the end of it.
A year or so later, her brother became one of my best friends. Hadn't really thought about her much by then, she was still way out of my league. We got a job together at a nursery and landscape company. One day, the owners mother threw a fit at us for no good reason and fired us. We were stranded because we had been dropped off. He called his mom, then his sister, left messages but nobody answered. So we began the eight or nine mile walk back to town. Less than a mile from work, his parents pulled up. Seconds later, so did his sister. His parents were in a single cab truck that we weren't both going to fit into, so he told me to just ride with her. Dang. They drove off and I got into her little car. I was considering throwing up again. She was so polite, and friendly and hot. I was stressing out so bad I made her let me out three miles from home. I had to get out of that car. I couldn't handle sitting that close to the most beautiful girl I had ever spoken to. Seriously. Panic. She thought there was something wrong with me, and there was. That was a long slow walk home.
Maybe another year went by, I was now 18 and had just ended a fairly serious relationship that I just didn't know what to do with. Me and her brother just ran wild for a while. We did the standard list of stupid stuff and just hung out. One day, he suggests we go see his sister, who had her own place. That was pretty much the last time it was just me and him.
She was a blast to hang out with. I loved every minute with her. She was fun and tough and quickly became my absolute best friend. I wanted to be with her every day. When I finally got the nerve to ask her out for a real date, she said yes and I panicked again. Didn't go back for a week or so. Once I did, her weird friends started making up stories to get rid of me. But, I finally got that date, kinda. Me and her brother went to see her one night and she was leaving to go to a party with her weird friends. I offered to drive her, since I had a van. We pulled into this yard full of weirdos and got out. She started talking to everyone and just wandered off from us. I tried talking to some folks, but the freakometer was up pretty high. I didn't want to be there, I wanted to be with here. So I stole her purse from inside and threw it in the back of the van. When she walked back out, we climbed in and cranked it up. I yelled to her and said we were leaving. When she got close, I asked if she wanted her purse. "Yes, where is it?" I told her it was in the back. When she climbed in to get it, I dropped the clutch and took off. Yep. Our first date was a kidnapping.
A few weeks later, we were having a going away party for a friend at my house. I got frustrated and left. Walked up the street to a park and sat down. I prayed for the first time in years. "God, if there is a person who is right for me, you need to put them in front of me because I don't know what to do." What I didn't know was that she was at my house right then looking for me. Not 10 seconds after that little prayer, I saw her walking across the park. The rest is history.
Actually, the rest is the subject of this blog. Somewhere along the way, I forgot how precious she was. I forgot how miraculous our relationship was. I forgot how amazing and wonderful she was. She became just a wife to me. I neglected and abused her. But, 20 years later, we got back on track. After almost losing her, we are better than ever now. Thank God.
I am a blessed man. We have four amazing kids. We are in a good place. Life is becoming almost surreal some days. Not perfect yet, but amazing. I am writing this log to encourage men to become better. To stop neglecting and abusing that amazing woman you committed your life to. Take some time this week to remember how you met. Write it out. Think about it. If you make the effort to show her that she is still as precious today as she was then, it can all start to change. She needs it and so do you.