I can feel... One of my turns coming on

Yes. Pink Floyd. From "The Wall." I completely wore out 2 cassette copies of that album when I was a teenager. Incredibly well made album. Brilliant. Depressing. The last time I heard it, I figured out where a lot of my youthful angst and depression came from. It was a part of me. 

That song and song title has been stuck in my head since yesterday. It seems like the closest description to where my mind went. Thanks to another type of entertainment, I had a magnificent flashback. The movie, "Something's gotta give." Watched it for the first time last night. Ended up being a great story, but the road to getting there had some rough spots. It's the story of two people who end up in love, completely against their better judgement. The man is older, with a past of just using women and living free of any relationships. The woman was divorced after 20 years and has become content with her life. Through a long adventure, they end up wanting to be together and both completely in love. On the way, he drags his feet enough for another man to slip in and take her away. 

What I need to explain here is how my brain works. I was diagnosed with ADD and depression about three years ago. Wait. It's better than that. My doctor told me I was a textbook perfect case of adult ADD. She said I had almost every symptom she knew to look for. It's not an excuse or a joke, but it explains a lot about decisions I have made. My wife can tell which days i have taken my medication and when I don't. One of the things my brain does, is identify with certain characters in movies to the point of empathy. I sometimes almost feel like I have taken on part of the role. Yeah. Really. Some characters make me laugh until it hurts, some rip my heart out. Sometimes it takes a while to get my head on straight for a while. 

So. The movie. When the man finally comes to his senses and rushes after her, he is interrupted by the other man. He just steps in beside her, surprised to see him there. My wife made a comment at that point that got me. "He waited too long." At that point, my emotions just snapped. I was overwhelmed with all the pain I felt during our worst days. I remembered the thoughts that I had waited too long to get my act together. I had vivid thoughts of my family being torn from me and another man taking my place. Very vivid. Horror like something Stephen King would imagine. I had to leave the room to get myself composed. Hard to describe, but utterly traumatic. 

Guys, I want you to feel something. Don't worry about being macho. Forget whatever reaction you think your friends might have. It won't matter in the long run what anyone but you and your wife think. Imagine yourself as that guy. You have this relationship with a woman you already decided to spend your life with. You still aren't fully committed. She wants the relationship more than you do. You hold back from her. You won't give in and completely commit to her. You keep flirting and playing around. You are sure that she is all yours whenever you want. So you leave her to herself. Neglect her. Avoid her, maybe. Start to see her as a spare tire you only take out when you need her. How's the imagination going so far. Do you see it? Are you living it?

Now, imagine this. Out of the blue, you find out everyone else knows she is done with you. She has decided to move on. She has her own options. Maybe she figures she would prefer being alone to being with you. Maybe she just can't take any more of your crap. Maybe someone else is pursuing her. Someone else has figured out what a catch she is. Someone else has decided to give her their full attention. She leaves. She has become casual about you. She doesn't care anymore. You aren't even an option to her. She doesn't want to see you, doesn't care if she ever does. She has gone completely apathetic about you and your feelings. She takes your kids away. She starts a new life without you. You get to see your kids with a new father. You get to see your wife with a new husband. You get to sort out your emotions every year at Christmas because you are just the ex-husband. The life you had is gone, you are left on the outside. You have to start over, but you still have connections to the family you lost. Maybe you find someone else, another victim? Maybe the cycle starts over. Trophy wife becomes the ball and chain becomes the ex-wife. Maybe. Maybe not. 

If you have survived a situation like this, you have my deepest sympathy. If you are in the cycle right now, humble yourself and save your family. We didn't go this far. As hard as it was, I held on and still had hope. Kathy Davisson at bestmarriage.com told me the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. When they just don't care anymore. Any emotional involvement, even anger, means there is still hope. Somehow, she didn't make it to apathy. She gave me enough time, not sympathy, to get the changes in motion. It took three years before we started to really become a couple again. This whole scenario was where we were headed. Not maybe, this was the track we were on. 

I had to change. Like almost all wives, mine wanted a relationship with her husband. She didn't expect or demand everything be perfect. She just wanted me as committed to her as she was to me. She wanted me. She just got to a point where she was tired of carrying the weight of holding the whole family together and started considering other options. 

She put up with me being distracted, evasive and abusive for almost twenty years. The last ten of that were awful. She put me through three years of absolute torture. It went from wanting to work it out, to I never want to see you again constantly. She wanted it to work. She wanted to save the family, she just didn't want the same jackass of a husband to do it with. So I changed. I figured out how much I wanted my wife and kids. I had done a lot of damage, it was going to take a while to heal. Still healing. There's still damage to get past. There are still issues we aren't totally free from. But, we are together and conscious of it all. I understand what I have to do and am doing it. 

I can't handle the thought of ever going through that again. I hate the though of any of my friends and family going through any of that. Please listen, guys. Please do the right thing. Please save your family. Everyone gets hurt when dad doesn't do what he should. Whether or not you believe it's all your fault or responsibility, treat it like it is. It's the only way back from here. 

One simple thing you need to understand about marriage

My friends at BestMarriage.com told me a great story. It was a turning point in their marriage. Joel was also an abusive husband. They were pastors during the abuse. They went to a conference on living free from abuse, where they came to terms with how bad their marriage actually was.

Joel was confronted about his attitiude. He was told that one of his biggest problems was that he didn't think he needed Kathy. His response? You're right. I don't need her.

He was convinced she was simply an accessory. She was just a part of his life. Someone there to serve him. The assistant. The vice principal.  Second in command. First mate. Like Batman and Robin. Skipper and Gilligan. Pinky and the Brain.  One is critical, the other is just there. A spare tire. Comic relief. Maybe a grunt. Whatever. Someone who could be replaced by anyone.

He didn't see her as absolutely critical to his life. He didn't see how they completed each other. Almost a ying and yang kinda thing. Neither is truly complete without the other. 

There is a word used in the Bible when God made Eve. Helpmeet. He said it was not good for man to be alone. So, I shall make him a helpmeet. Not help mate. Not second in command. Not vice principal. Not comic relief. Helpmeet. Very powerful word. Very complex word. Essentially, someone who completes you and makes you more than you can be alone. The help part is the same as another army called in to help with a battle you can't win alone. The meet part is tricky. Like an interpreter that helps get through something you can't understand. A guide that takes you somewhere you can't get alone. She completes you. She is all that you aren't. She sees things you don't. She hears things you don't. She understands things you don't.

( here's another good article The definition of helpmeet  I am not Mormon, don't agree with a lot of things they believe, but the article is really good )

It's not weakness to need her. It's not whimpy to need her beside you. You are not a henpecked, loser of a wus for needing her. You are a wise man who understands how important she is. Her opinion matters. Her fears should be heeded. Her concerns are legitimate. Everything about her matters.

Just like Joel, I had to come to terms with all this. I had to admit it and tell myself, "I need my wife." The sooner you admit you need her, the better. If you say that you want a stronger marriage, you need to take steps to make it stronger. This is an easy one. Take a few days to think about this. Figure out why you need her. Think about times she encouraged you. Or tried to stop you from doing something stupid, that you did anyway.  Think about times she protected you. Think about ways she is a part of you. Don't even think about anything negative. Just focus on the good stuff for a few days.

Say it out loud, so you can hear yourself say it. "I need my wife." Say her name. Tell her you need her. Tell her why. Do it now. 

Deciding to be a hero

One of my big revelations in life was that I don't have to be superman to everyone. There are actually only a few people who really need me to operate at that level. Everyone else falls in line behind them. Sorry. Not giving up every ounce of strength and spare minute for the leeches who suck the life out of me anymore. My wife and kids get the best of me from now on. 

But, there's something inside us guys that craves the recognition of being a hero. Some of us are just naturally heroic types. Determined to do the right thing at all times. Some of us will gladly take credit for someone else's heroism. Jerks. 

I met a career firefighter a while back. Great guy. Bad husband, but working on it. We had a conversation about 9/11 and the firefighters who lost their lives. He was upset about it. They had no business running into those burning buildings. They knew better. Someone should have stopped them. Their training told them that, at some point it was a lost cause. Get away. Save yourself. There's no logical reason to go in there. There's almost no chance you will survive and not much chance you will bring anyone else out. He got emotional about those guys and what they did. But confessed that, if he had been there, he probably would have done the same thing. He couldn't have just stood there and done nothing. He had a hero inside him that would never just sit still when there was a need so great. He couldn't just watch tragedy like that without trying to stop it. Those police officers and firefighters were heroes, no matter how anyone feels or what the training manual said. Tragic day. I will never forget it. 

I have been thinking about that conversation and that man. His instinct was to quickly make a decision that could cost him his life. He was hard wired to consider another life more valuable than his own and do whatever it took to save them. But, this same man was unwilling to treat his own wife like she was that valuable. He was willing to give his life up completely and die for a stranger. He had a problem with giving up a degree of his life to save his wife from a stressful and frustrating life. Why? Why are we willing to just die when we see a great need but can't "die to ourself" for the needs of our family? What is the difference? I have a hard time accepting that we are capable of one but not the other. If there is anyone alive who deserves that kind of sacrifice, it would be our wife and our kids. Why do we have to always get our own way? Why do we have to be so important at home? Why do we make all the critical decisions for the family? Why is her opinion and need less important than ours? Not all guys have this issue, but plenty do. We will lay our life down for a stranger but not lay down the remote for our family. 

Guys, we can do better than this. When Joel and Kathy started counseling me, I was that knucklehead, too. I had given up the best years of my life to all kinds of people. Jobs that didn't pay well, but demanded ridiculous hours. Churches that liked to throw everything on the guy who had a hard time saying no. Friends who always needed something stupid on the weekends. Yeah. I couldn't say no to all that, but I could to my family. It was almost like I was looking for excuses to stay away from them. They felt it, too. My middle daughter made a painful comment once, when she was about four. I was working for a big church. I regularly put in 70-80 a week there. My wife and daughter came to pick me up for lunch one day. Wen they pulled into the parking lot, my daughter said, "oh, we're going to daddy's house." She actually thought I lived there. Bad daddy. That was me. Jerk. 

Just take some time this week and consider your life. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want random people to remember you as a really good guy, even if they forget your name? The selfish guy who always did whatever he wanted even when his family needed him. Or. Do you want you family to remember you as their hero? The guy who saw a little league game or dance recital as more important than a fishing trip. The guy who saw momma tired and stressed out and did something about it. The guy who was fully aware of the needs in his own home. The guy who took responsibility for the condition of his family. The guy who was willing to lay down his life for the ones who matter most. Your choice.