Preaching the gospel of intolerance

Yes. That's right. I am intolerant. Go ahead and get mad now. Start making up your opinions of me. All set? Good. Here we go. 

When I say intolerance, you already have some preconceived notion of what I mean. I am pretty sure this isn't what you are thinking. It's not racism or anything like that. Hardly. It's about deciding what kind of world we want to live in and doing something about it. 

My dad told me that my freedom only goes as far as the next guy's nose. He meant that we are free to do what we want until it affects other people. We don't have the right to interfere with someone else's freedom. Pretty good advice. Another guy told me something else. Pastor Don Thomas in Macon, GA said this. "The things we tolerate are the things we allow to exist." He was speaking about things in out life that need to change. Things we wish were different. Things we need to do something about. That phrase has stuck with me for over twenty years. I think about it constantly. 

When I think about that phrase, I think about the world my kids are growing up in. The world my grandchildren will end up with. There's a classic quote, that apparently nobody has been given credit for; "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Still not sure who said it, but it is incredible. It says to me, that if you want a crappy world, just sit on your butt and wait for it. Don't do anything. Everything dissolves into chaos eventually if it isn't maintained. Like your lawn. Your car. Your family. Your marriage. Your neighborhood. Your city. Your country. Your planet. If we just sit back and wait, it will all become something we didn't want. Then, we don't even deserve to complain. We let it happen. 

So, when I say I am intolerant, here's what I mean. I am not going to sit back and wait for the stupid stuff to take over my world. I have no intention of letting the things that matter get lost or damaged. I intend to do something about it. I have minimal influence on the world, but I will do what I can. I am starting out small. Suggesting you consider doing the same. 

Where do we start? Our home. If you know something upsets your wife, fix it. Don't tolerate your own laziness or immaturity. Fix it. Change it. Do something positive for your marriage. If you know she wants something, make it happen. Take up the challenge, be the man. What about the kids? Something upsetting them? Something they need? Don't tolerate bad situations or stressed out kids. Do something about it. 

Think about your neighborhood. What isn't right? For me, I absolutely hate it when the local meatheads race through my neighborhood. I feel like my kids are threatened. It's dangerous and stupid to run 45 miles an hour or more, through a residential neighborhood. So, what did I do? Several things. I started flagging down the drivers or following them to their house. ( I am still a big, scary looking guy. Haven't fixed all that yet. ) I offered several the chance to slow down on their own, voluntarily. Others refused to speak to me. I let the sheriff talk to them. I called the sheriff every time they did it. I did it enough that everyone knew who I was and why I called. Several people moved out of my neighborhood. Others just slowed down. I also called the city and got new signs installed on my street. I did something. Yay me. 

I am intolerant of men who are bad husbands. Not just the abusive, scary guys; the quiet ones, too. If you are mean, rude, neglectful, abusive, manipulative or any other aggressive kind of jerk, you are a bad husband. And..... If you are the passive guy who just lets stuff happen and does nothing about it, you are a bad husband. If you aren't actively working towards a better life for your family, you qualify. I am notorious for offering unsolicited advice. Believe it or not. When I end up in a conversation with a miserable wife or bonehead husband, I have to say something. I am morally obligated to inform people that life can be better. They can argue all they want. I am living proof that the worst marriage can be saved if the husband will make the effort. 

My kids had a few bad teachers over the years. I don't like it when my kids are upset. I went and talked to the teachers. Tried to get both sides of the story. Went to the principals after that, put my comments in writing in case it happened again. Most ended up working out just fine. Sometimes my kids were moved to a different class. Once, a teacher was fired for bullying my kid. She did that one. She wouldn't tolerate being bullied. 

I don't tolerate racism. Real racism. Not the crap everyone calls racism. Not political posturing and playing the race card. I don't want to hear your jokes. I don't want to know how you feel about someone different. My brother married a black woman. She is one of the most wonderful people I know. Her family is amazing. I love them all. I have several close friends in mixed marriages. They put up with a lot of crap from stupid people. I don't like that kind of intolerance. The kind where you just hate someone for a reason they have no control over. Like their skin, or language, or family. Get over it. I spent three months in a juvenile facility when I was sixteen. It included 475 of us, locked up together. Fourteen of us were white. Racism goes both ways. I lived in that world, too. Threatened daily, watched white kids beat up daily. Racism isn't just something white people do. It's a fact. Get over it. Use your intolerant energy for something that makes the world better. 

Start with your own family. Figure out what you hate about your life and do something about it. Get some counseling from smarter folks before doing anything ridiculous, but get it in motion. Figure out what makes your wife upset and fix it. Figure out what is bothering your kids and fix it. Figure out what is wrong in your neighborhood and fix it. Figure out what is wrong with your life and fix it. 

Become positively intolerant.

Exactly how stupid can someone be?

Been thinking about some of the greatest idiots I have met over the years. Some were as bad as me, some were worse. I think my only advantage was in only thinking and doing stupid stuff. Some guys brag about it. 

Let me introduce you to the King of the Rednecks. I spent most of my life in Georgia. Born in Atlanta. By most definitions, I probably qualified as a redneck, no problem. While living in rural Georgia, I met the king of the rednecks. Somehow, he was a friend of a family member. They worked together, I guess. He was a normal redneck by most accounts. Multiple dogs roaming the yard, more than ten acres of land, more than ten minutes from town, more than ten cars in the yard, only one runs, double wide trailer, etc. Normal redneck stuff. He was loud and obnoxious. Drank a lot. Liked to wear overalls with no shirt under them. But, he was special. This guy thought he was king of the world. He had everything figured out. Everything in his world made sense to him. All those junk cars; his cars. All those dogs; his dogs. All that land; his land. All those rowdy, stinky kids; his kids. That timid, lonely woman in the kitchen; his wife. He was in control. He was the man. He made the rules. He was in charge. Got the picture?

We visited his house once. Just once. After more than enough of his opinions and expert advice, he offered up the crown jewel of his wisdom. Wen someone made a comment about his wife taking care of all his stuff, he said it. "The only thing I need a woman for, is to grease my pole." His words, not mine. He announced to everyone that her only value in his life was to satisfy his sexual needs. A man like that is probably more than qualified to handle that by himself, too. Probably won't be long before he has to.

 I can't even explain what it felt like to hear that. What was her life like? It wasn't enough that he was a complete jackass, he was bragging about it! I want to take a few minutes to think about their relationship. Guys and ladies. Be honest. Was it a always like that? Would any American female freely agree to marry that guy? Nope! Because when they got married, he wasn't completely stupid like that. He evolved into that ape over time. I am sure there were warning signs, but she apparently overlooked them. Not saying it's her fault, just wish she had taken an honest look at this guy before the wedding. Her life would have been better with anyone else. So, what do you think happened?

They met somewhere. School, work, church... Who knows? He probably thought she was a pretty little thing. She probably thought he was cute, or handsome, or charming. Doubt she thought he was an abusive jackass. Not many dates happen after that first impression. He had to ask her out at some point. They had to spend some time together. Had to meet friends and parents at some point. A wedding was planned and then it happened. They bought land, set up a house, made a life. Had sex, had kids, became parents. Then they got dogs, junk cars, broken and rusty crap everywhere. He became an abusive drunk, she got fat and miserable. Then they lived happily ever after. The end. Right? 

I wish I could tell you a simple answer why a woman puts up with all that. There's a lot of reasons that make sense to them. Mostly fear of something. My wife put up with a lot for a long time. I thank God daily that she gave me enough time to grow up a little. I am very thankful that she is still here. But I also know this. Until my world was rocked by her leaving me, I had no reason to change. I was really not much different from him. Different conditions, similar attitude. Just keeping her around for my benefit. 

<a href="http://bestmarriage.com">Joel and Kathy Davisson</a> teach abusive husbands how to get past it and save their family. They taught me. Saved my family. One thing they taught was hard to face because it was all me. Abusive husbands always start out as rescuers and heroes. I don't think I can explain it as well as they can. Hit their site, they are better at the counseling than me. They said that in almost every abusive marriage, the wife had a rough life and the husband swooped in to save her. He became her way out. He was going to make it all better. He became superman to her. 

I did it. My wife had a rough life. Pretty much every bad thing girl could ever deal with happened. Daddy left when she was little. Mom fighting for survival with two little kids. Mom ends up with one super loser after another, most are abusive to her and the kids. Things are ok for a while, things are awful for a while. She went through things I can't even talk about. People hurt her. Then I came along. We became friends, best friends. We did everything together. We had fun. Got married, got houses and jobs and kids. 

Somewhere along the line, I got some bad ideas. I got ambitious, just trying to do better for the family. Work more, gone more. Then my work had to matter, had to be something I enjoyed doing. The work became the focus, the career was what mattered. I had to prove myself and my worth to the whole world. 

Then, we got caught up in a sacred church tradition. ( yes, I am going there right now. ) We got under the traditional teaching about the submissive wife. Now, the bible has a lot to say about relationships and marriage. But, this particular teaching told us that I was the boss and she was to just follow and support me. Even though I didn't know which way was up or have and business sense at all. Even though I was clueless about almost everything. Even though I had never learned anything functional about a solid family. My wife was taught to blindly follow and support me. Which she did. She was the strong one. I would have never supported her the way she supported me. She put up with more crap from me every day that I ever got from her in a lifetime. The submission message is meant for mutual submission. We listen to each other, take correction from each other, care for each other, put each others need before ours. That's what it was meant for. Not turning our wives into mindless doormats. I will cover that in detail soon. 

So, king redneck. Can you imagine how their life together started? Can you imagine how it transformed? Did we learn anything about ourselves today class? Our family is our priority. Not the job or the stuff. The family. Your wife doesn't exist to serve you. You have a wife because you were someone she wanted to be with. You made some promises and commitments to her. You planned to spend your life together. That woman is what matters. Making life good for her is what matters. That's your first job. Everything else is just support for the family. Not the priority. If you have become a man like king redneck, it's time to change. Time to become the man she wants again. Get busy.

Why attitude is everything

It really is. Trust me. Looking back on my life, I see where my attitude made me and broke me. I also see where it almost cost me my family. 

Think about my marriage issues. (For those who are keeping up with my blog) We married very young. We have children. We moved around too much. We struggled financially. We lived with both sets of parents at different times. I had problems holding down jobs. The good jobs didn't last, or didn't pay well. The bad jobs wore me out. We couldn't afford nicer things. We worked our butts off for the things we had. We gave up too much. Our kids went without too much. We had to ask for help too much. We lived in places we didn't want to be. We dreamed about things we couldn't have. That's just life. 

None of that is what broke down my marriage. My attitude did that. The way I responded to all that stuff broke the marriage. My wife is an amazing person. Everything about her is incredible. She has always been out of my league. She is tough and lovable. She is virtually perfect. She can adapt and thrive in almost any situation. She grew up in tough conditions with a single mom who went through hell. She survived a tough life and still had a great attitude. She was fully willing and able to survive and thrive in whatever situations we lived in. She could handle anything. Except living with a husband who had a horrible attitude. 

We started off great. Best friends. Did stuff together. Had fun. Enjoyed life. All that stuff that makes for a good marriage. But somewhere along the way, my attitude deteriorated. I got ambitious. I was looking for ways to achieve more, become somebody. I wanted better for my family. More money. Nicer things. Work that mattered. Feeling like I was somebody important. Something that made me feel like my life wasn't a waste. I started looking for something more important than my family. I took on a career to support my family, then expected my family to support the career. They just didn't understand why it was important. They couldn't understand what it felt like to carry the weight of the family. They didn't know how much I stressed about providing for them. They didn't appreciate me. Nobody did. Blah blah blah. But that's the thought process. That's where it started. Then it got worse. I got angry at all the people who didn't pull their weight. People who made promises they didn't keep. People who owed me things and didn't come through when I needed them. People who used me and people who lied to me. Again. That's life. Welcome to the real world. 

We have minimal control over the world around us. We have no control over the people around us.  We have some control of our circumstances, but we are at the mercy of life. We can't control the weather, the stock market, traffic, mechanical failure, human failures, the price of oil or when the cat throws up on the carpet. The only thing we have absolute control over is our attitude. We decide how we respond to the stuff around us. We are completely free to decide to enjoy life and make the best of it, or just freak out and be miserable. Really. Your choice. 

So, short and sweet here. You can be like me. Let everything in life get to you, get angry about everything and make your family miserable. Or. You can be like my wife. Learn to appreciate little things. Look for the good stuff. Enjoy life. Laugh as often as possible. Ignore the people who think bad about you. Keep moving forward. Spend your time with the people you love doing things you love. Choose to be happy. Choose to defy the crap that is being thrown at you and find your smile. I choose to be like her. That's what is making it possible to be with her. 

I heard someone joke, years ago about his marriage. He told his wife, "if you ever leave me, I'm going with you." Do that. If you have become that guy with the bad attitude that his wife wants to get away from, leave him. Become the guy she needs. Become the guy she wants. Don't look for someone else. Someone who understands. Your wife understands perfectly. Try listening to her. Your ticket to the good life is wrapped up in her.