Sunday, February 24, 2013

Just love her

Just got through another soapbox session. Honestly, not trying to be self righteous or claim to have all the answers. Just know a few things that are absolutely right. Loving your wife whether or not she responds is one.
I just read some great articles on another bloggers site. It was about 25 ways to show your wife you love her. ( check it out ) good stuff. It linked to another article for wives. And it led to another soapbox session.
The article is amazing. If you are a married man, go read it. If you are any man other than a celibate monk, go read it. I had to comment, not really good at keeping my mouth shut.
My commentary was something like this.

I just read the similar articles for husbands, all good stuff. If I can jump on a soapbox for a minute, I would like to add something.
In the grand design of creation, relationship is the foundation. God created us because He is love and wanted someone to love. All throughout the New Testament marriage is compared to salvation. Christ loved us before we loved Him. He gave up everything to do what was best for us.
For a Christian marriage to work the way God designed, it has to be the same. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church, His bride. Our wives are designed to respond to what is given to them. Men are designed to give to them. Give them a house, they make a home. Give them your love, they give it back magnified. Even in the physical sense, they give us families.
My point? Every man lives in the marriage he has created. You wife responds to the love, or neglect, or abuse, or whatever by giving it back. Love her first. Do good for her first. Eventually, she will desire to do all these things for you. Doing things for her just to get a response isn’t what love is about. Don’t expect anything, just do it because you love her. It is the best way to live. I promise. I have lived on both sides of that fence. This side is better.

Done with the soapbox now. Thanks.

The response was very gracious. They are in this with me, trying to make families stronger. We obviously have some slightly different thoughts on the relationship. I believed the 50/50 marriage rules at first, too. I believed that she had to work as hard as I did. But I wasn't. I was busy leading and conquering and peacocking and showing off and chasing butterflies and whatever else I thought was the right thing to do at the time. She was stable and supportive the whole time. She was willing to follow me and trust me. She was doing what she thought was the right thing, too. She was always there for me.... until she wasn't. I had put all the pressure of stabilizing the marriage on her. Then, after my bazzilonth stupid plan didn't work out and we were broke again, she got to carry us financially, too. She had enough. I wouldn't listen because I already knew everything.
Humble yourself and listen to her. Figure out what she needs. Forget 50/50 until it happens out of a mutual desire, not obligation or demands. You may end up carrying 100% of the pressure of saving your family for a while. Push her as far as I did and I know you will. But, be willing to give 100% effort even if she doesn't respond. This works. Not telling you something i read or heard or learned in some school. I had to learn it the hard way. We are living proof that a tragically broken family can be saved. 

Monday, February 11, 2013

Off to conquer the world!

I am no psychologist, but if you are, feel free to chime in and comment on this one.
Even though I'm not, I think I understand a few critical things pretty well. Men. We are fairly simple creatures. Give us a hot meal to eat, a female body to hold and a place to poop and we are set. Jeff Foxworthy said something great. He said his wife was staring at him one night. When he asked why, she said she just wished she could figure out what he wanted. His response was pure male. "I believe I'd like a cold beer and to see something naked." That's us.
We also have something insane inside us. A desire to conquer, to achieve, to leave our mark and win respect and admiration. We are driven. It seems to start when we are little kids. Gotta be first on the swing. Gotta swing higher than the other kid. Gotta get the biggest slice of pizza. Gotta have the coolest bike in the neighborhood, gotta go faster than everyone else. Gotta get the girl everyone else thinks is perfect. Gotta have the highest paying job. Then, gotta rub everyone's nose in it. Yeah.
Right or wrong, it how most of us are. Maybe in different ways, but it's in there. Through reading the marriage advice at, I found out how to get it under control. Seriously.
Every man has the strength and ability to take care of one adult woman completely. I believe that. Can't be "the man" to your mom, the girls at work, etc. etc. etc. and still give her your best. She need what is best, not leftover. Not second place to anyone or anything. Those internal cravings, to conquer and succeed, are fully satisfied in your marriage if you will do it right. Pursue her, try to figure out what she wants/needs, find ways to satisfy her, conquer the problems that hold your family back, look for ways to make her happy. Yes it is possible, I can prove it.
The pressure we all claim to be under is usually self induced. I know, I did it, too. When I honestly examined my choices and motives over the last ten years, I saw an insecure guy who had to prove himself to everyone. I had to do better than my family said I could. I had to earn enough to have bigger and better things. I created the pressure by using my life and my family to support the facade I was creating. I dare you to really consider where you are and look at your motives. Are you doing stuff for your family or with them? Are the things you do actually things they want you to do? I spent years developing a business to give to my kids and support my family, and they didn't want it. It had nothing to do with anything that mattered to them. And it had become something that kept dad away, so it was already a negative thing to them. Stupid.
I can't explain the freedom I have now. It is so much easier to impress and support one wife than to challenge the entire world and seek their approval. She likes it, too.
Try it, you will like it.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Mine's bigger than yours

I am going to use my blog to clear something up. One of the businesses I work with is LegalShield. It  is an amazing company representing a nationwide network of the most respected attorneys in the country. Not a scam, not a joke. Several people have talked trash about my business. Saying it's fine for basic stuff, but not for REAL legal issues. Absolutely not true. My lawyer can beat up your lawyer. I would bet on it any day of the week. This is a big law firm that I will gladly put up against any law firm in the country.
My question to families and business owners is this. If you could talk to an attorney about anything, without getting a bill afterwards, would you? Was there ever a time when you really needed an attorney, but just knew you couldn't justify the cost? Ever bought a house or a car? Filled out a will? Signed a lease, cell phone or credit card contract? Ever had someone rip you off? Ever been treated unfairly at work or at a business? Ever been pulled over pr gotten a ticket? This stuff happens everyday. Most people just take it and do nothing about it. I don't. I call my lawyer about anything and everything. Seriously. You don't have to let people bully you. The average attorney charges about $300 per hour. Who would call an attorney over an aggravating neighbor? Who would spend $300 per hour to have someone review a lease agreement? Who would spend that much to dispute a $675 loss from an employer who wouldn't pay them. Would anyone in their right mind call an expensive attorney over a questionable tax bill? I have. I call them at least once a month over any issue that they might be able to help with.
But Erik, that's insane! Why would you hire a lawyer for trivial stuff like that? Because I hate being bullied. I can't stand getting ripped off. And because I only pay $17 a month for virtually unlimited legal counsel that covers me anywhere in the country. Yeah. That's why. They even include a complete family will AT NO EXTRA COST when you join. That's worth about $600 in Florida! No contract. Drop it if you aren't happy with it. Really!
I don't use "Butcher" the shady local guy who runs a pool hall in his office. I don't use "Junior" the kid fresh out of law school either. In Florida, my primary provider is one of the largest and most trusted firms in the state. They have 25 attorneys on call for us full time. They average 19 years of experience each. Really. Don't believe me? Here's their website. LegalShield Florida
Still not convinced? Try this one. LegalShield Videos. It has our national advertising campaign commercials as well as some great videos showing who we are.
And while I am on this soap box, it's a great company to work for. Need a good home based business? Want the best residual income package ever? Want your own business with the lowest startup cost ever? LegalShield is the real deal. I personally made my initial investment back in 30 days. Yep. All profit since then. If you want to know more about our legal services for individuals, families and small businesses... If you have any interest in a work from home opportunity... If your family just needs a will written up... Hit my website and look around. Erik's Amazing Opportunity it just might change your life for the better, it did for me. Email or call if you need to know more.
That's all I've got to say about that.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Seriously, why am I doing this?

Two reasons. One, I need to supplement my income to continue stabilizing my family. It is virtually impossible to save money, plan for the future or work a budget when divorce is on the table. We went back and forth for three years. Ended up losing our business and two houses in the process. Still trying to get back on our feet. And yes, I am wide open to suggestions from experienced bloggers. I have a great network marketing business. ( LegalShield ) So I don't need another home based business. This one is growing steady and working fine. Thanks anyway.
Two, I have figured out things and met people that can save the most screwed up marriage you can imagine. After surviving what we have, I feel obligated to share this information. Someone told me, years ago, about the "sin of the desert." That's when you know where the water is, but refuse to tell anyone. When we have something that someone else desperately needs, we have to make a choice. My choice is to risk being labelled as an idiot or whatever to tell people that there is hope.
My journey to save my family would have come to an end, horribly, without Joel and Kathy Davisson. They survived a horrible, abusive marriage and dedicated their life to helping others. I am forever in their debt. Visit their site ( ) and look around. They do live phone counseling six nights a week and have an open forum to ask questions or read how others were helped. Really. Your wives and kids need you.
As you have noticed, this blog is littered with "random" advertising links. Actually, not so random. I was also looking for ways to help us fix our homes. All these advertisers have a piece of that puzzle. LegalShield and ID theft services are for protecting your family and property. Do you have a will? is for my wife, who LOVES her garden. Your probably does, too.
The travel links are obvious. When was your last time you had a vacation... A fun one?
We are football junkies, has hats, shirts, etc. All kinds of sports stuff.
Party supplies, cards, funny stuff? Really. Women love the fun stuff. Step up.
There is stuff for preserving family memories down there.
The best is probably the club of the month link. Perfect for knuckleheads like me, who want to do good, but really do forget sometimes. They will auto ship flowers, candy, wine, beer, pizza and even cigars. Just sign up and forget about it. You get to be a hero without really trying. Try it.
So, enough shameless self promotion. The main thing in all this, do good for your wife. She is worth it.

Our girls want to have fun

The last post was pretty heavy. This should be better. I hope.
During the course of our marriage intensive, I discovered that I was no fun. Worse than that, I had gotten to the point where I couldn't even smile at my wife. I had become a tyrant at home, constantly angry or distracted. I was no fun. Meanwhile, my wife is affectionately known as Miss Sunshine. She is still the most pleasant, happy, positive, outgoing, fun loving lady you would ever meet. I was a butthead.
We started out like most couples. Dates, parties, random comical adventures. Fun stuff. I spent countless hours with her. Just getting to know her. Trying to understand her. Enjoying every minute with her. Gradually, I got weighed down with daily life, bills, work, church, etc. Add to that ambition and a short attention span, along with the standard dysfunctional excuses most of the guys from my generation have. Getting stupider every day. My attitude went gradually downhill for years. "After all, I was out there busting my hump to support my family, that's a lot of pressure. They didn't appreciate all that I did. They didn't respect me. I deserved to be treated better. I went to work every day for more unappreciative, aggravating liars and promise breakers. They didn't do right for me."
Seriously. That was the kind of monologue running through my head like a news feed. Why do we, men, need every thought in our head to contain "me, my, mine, I, etc.?" Really? If you can go through your mind and poke out your "I" it will change your world. Selfishness and self centeredness is not a fun attitude. Remember your childhood days on the playground? Who wants to play with the kid who always has to be first, or hog the ball, or make the rules or constantly talk about everyone else? Or, maybe the right question is, were you that kid? Are you that kid now?
I was that kid with the short fuse. The one who didn't really fit in with any one group. I had some really good friends over those years, but very few hung out with my other friends. Still like that with friends, weird. Anyway, I always felt like I had to prove myself, always on the defensive, always had that heart on my sleeve and a chip on my shoulder.  Dang. Still kinda like that, too. Working on it.
All that crap seemed to just go away when we started dating. She satisfied me, completed me. She became the focus of my energy and attention. I was free to have fun with her. Well, that lasted until we cleared the parking lot after the wedding. Then I started back on being that pissed off kid. Didn't happen all at once. But, according to her, by the end of our first year. So she had about 20 years of misery with a jerk who quit being fun.
So, have I fixed it all? Am I Mr. Fun and Games all the time. Heck no. I have a long way to go. I dug a deep hole and it take a while to get out, but I am in motion. It's almost like training an old dog. Those habits are virtually permanent, but they can change. ( Old dogs require more treats and training to change... It moves faster that way.... In case any wives are reading.... Hint, hint )
It feels very unnatural at first, like acting. I felt like a liar at first, making myself smile and doing things that I didn't really want to do. But men change from the outside in. We make new habits and repeat them until it becomes the new normal. ( Seriously, read Joel and Kathy's books to really understand this. I can only take you so far, they are the real experts on saving marriages. Click here ASAP to go there. You can order books and schedule a marriage retreat right there. And... They don't pay me for this, but I owe my family to their work. )
It was May of 2011 when I talked to Joel the first time. Since then, we have come a long way. Saw the divorce papers in November of 2011. She gave me a card for my birthday in November of 2012 that said I was "all that she wants and more than she deserves." That's a long way. It started with a smile. She needed me to have fun with her again.
I am still learning and it still doesn't feel completely natural yet. The effect is undeniable, she needed to laugh and play. She wanted me to be a part of her world and the fun she has. Why did I resist it? How stupid could I be? The perfect woman wanted to play and laugh with me, what idiot resists that?
Figure out what your wife enjoys and do that. Find ways to make her smile. You don't always have to be the big hero or her champion, sometimes a smile or corny joke is what she needs. Try it.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Do you understand abuse in marriage?

I am taking this directly from the online marriage counseling forum at This was revelation to me. Like most guys, I assumed abuse meant physical abuse. That's just one of 21 recognized forms of abuse in marriage. Not sure how honest you guys want me to be. When I took this test, we found 16 ways I had abused my wife. Most of you will find 5 or 6. Your wife might find more. Print it out, really go through it and answer honestly. This was life changing for me. After I saw this, I started understanding what I had become. Your family is worth whatever it costs to save them. This test is only about the husband's behavior, we will deal with wives later.

Abuse/Power/Control QUESTIONS TO ASK of husband about how he treats his wife ….and of the wife about the husband (NEVER the other way around).   When answering, just check off the ones that are a “yes“  -- do
not defend, explain or overlook any question -- do not excuse it as “this is how our family is” or “that is how I grew up” -- simply use the “yes” or “no” method with either an "x" or a check-off.

Since husbands might not necessarily recall their bad behavior, the wife most probably will, so it is important for both husband and wife to honestly answer these questions.  UNLESS the wife feels “safe” enough to answer, she should only use this list when feeling safe enough to discuss it without recoil and retaliation.   Determining the type of abuse is VERY helpful in beginning the healing process in a damaged marriage relationship.

Have you ever exhibited these behaviors, even ONE time?:
Beating ___ biting ____ choking ____ grabbing ____ hitting  _____ kicking  _____ pinching ____ pulling hair ___ punching ____ pushing ____ restraining ____
scratching ____ shaking ____ shoving ____ slapping ____ excessive tickling____ twisting arms____ using weapons ____ spanking ____ smothering ____ tripping ____ hitting with an object either with striking or throwing, etc ___
If yes:  Physical Abuse

Have you ever treated your wife like a servant ____
Do you make all of the decisions ____  act like “Master of the Castle” ____
If yes:  Male Privilege Abuse

Have you received therapy, OR gone to seminary, OR used self-help books then come back and turned this knowledge/info against the wife, but do not take responsibility for personal behaviors ______
If yes:  Knowledge Abuse

Have you ever demanded unwanted or bizarre sexual acts ____
Made physical attacks to sexual parts of the body ____
Treated her as a sex object ____
Interrupted sleep for sex ______ forced her to have sex ____
Ever exhibit extreme jealousy ____
((side note:  Jesus said that a man who lusts after another woman has committed adultery in his heart already) viewed any type of pornography _____
If yes:  Sexual Abuse

Have there ever been displays by the husband of
hostile humor ____ publicly criticizes____ degrades her appearance ____ degrades her parenting skills ____ degrades her housekeeping ____ degrades her cooking____ forces her to eat foods she doesn’t like ____
If Yes:  Humiliation Abuse

Do you make your wife responsible for everything in life ____ ie bills ____ parenting ____ etc ____
If Yes: Responsibility Abuse

Have you hurt your wife and then do not allow her to receive medical treatment ____
Have you ever forbid her to receive medical treatment for normal health issues. ____
If Yes:  Medical Abuse

Have you ever used Scripture and words like “submission” and “obey” to abuse ____ 
Used spiritual language to defend any hurtful words or actions ____
If Yes: Scriptural/Religious Abuse

Have you ever used the children to give messages ____
used visitation rights to harass ____ uses child support as leverage ____
If Yes: Using Children Abuse

Have you ever exerted control regarding:
what is done ____  who is seen____ who is talked to ____ 
limits or listens in on phone calls ____ sabotages car ____ restricts outside interests ____  insists on moving frequently ____ required your wife to stay in the house ____
restricts access to the mail ____ deprives your wife of friends ____
If Yes: Isolation Abuse

Have you ever denied your wife of  basic rights ____
used the law to enforce your power ____ deprived her of a private or personal life ____ Have you ever mandated duties of your wife ____ control everything ____ (ie, the amount of bath water she uses ____)
If Yes:  Power Abuse

Have you ever had spies checking on her ____ follows her to activities ____
ie store ____, church ____, work ____, etc  just to make sure she is where she “should” be ____  Have you displayed extreme distrust and jealousy ____
If Yes: Stalking Abuse

Have you ever put her down____ called her names____ played mind games ____ commits mental coercion ____ exhibits extreme controlling behaviors ____
withheld affection ____ caused her to lose her identity ____
If Yes:  Emotional Abuse

Have you ever threatened to end the relationship ____
threatened to emotionally or physically harm her ____ threatened her life ____
threatened to take the children ____ threatened to commit suicide ____
Threatened to report her to authorities ____ Forced your wife to break the law  ____
If Yes:  Threat Abuse

Have you ever:
puts restriction on her employment ____ made her ask for money ____
give her an allowance and take the money she earns ____
required her to account for every penny she spends ____
If Yes: Economic Abuse

Have you ever:
ruined her credit ____ 
put the car(s), house, recreational equipment, and/or property in ONLY your name ____ spend her money ____  used her credit or savings to make her dependent on you ____
If Yes:  Financial Abuse

Have you ever:
used looks, actions, gestures, and/or voice to cause fear ____
argued continuously ____ demand that your wife says what you want to hear ____
If Yes: Intimidation Abuse

Have you ever during your marriage:
punched a wall ____ destroyed property ____ broken down a door ____
Pounded on a table ____ abuses pets ____ etc
If Yes:  Property Violence

When speaking have you:
Used curse words ____ accused your wife ____  called her names ____
used past to control and manipulate ____ committed mental blackmail ____
made unreasonable demands ____
If Yes:  Verbal Abuse

Have you ever used silence as a weapon ____  punished her by not speaking to her ____ unwilling to communicate ____ do not express emotion  ____ 
refuse to repeat back statements to your wife ____
If Yes:  Silence Abuse  (aka in Hegstrom’s book as the “Silent Knight”)

Have you ever
used jealousy as a sign of love ____
controlled what wife does ____ who she sees ____  who she talks to ____
controlleds when/where your wife goes ____
refused to let wife participate in activities outside the house ____
drop in “just to watch” ____   isolated wife from friends and family ____
is possessive of wife in every area of life ____
If Yes:   Jealousy Abuse

IF ONLY ONE answer in a category is a Yes, then the entire category is an ABUSIVE behavior that the husband has exhibited, making the husband an abuser. IF you have repented fully (in ways that are wholly acceptable by your wife) and no longer act in these ways, then you are a recovered abuser. THAT is the goal.
Most men in an unhappy marriage are abusive in at least 6 categories - some more, some less. Reminder, however, that only ONE category still an abuser makes.

WHAT IS abuse ?
Physical Abuse:   Any touch not given in love, respect, and dignity.
Emotional Abuse: Any communication, admonition, reprimand, or reproof that does not uplift, edify, or bring conflict resolution.

Are you aware that there are 21 forms of abuse? Some forms of abuse are so subtle that people accept them as normal. All forms of abuse are devastating and destroy individuals and their relationships.  (per Paul Hegstrom)

Not accepting the reality of the abuse is detrimental to the marriage restoration. Humility is needed -- the Lord can help the humble - the teachable.

Need a reminder?: listen to J&K conference call with an abusive husband: 

So now, on to the process of bringing healing and breathing life into the marriage, towards an outrageously happy marriage. IF we can do it, You CAN do it!

Paul Hegstrom says, "Until he becomes accountable and responsible for his behavior and starts getting help in developing his character and his core, the abuse will not stop."
Jeremiah 6:14 "And they have made little of the wounds of my people, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace."Bible in Basic English)  simply stating that in order to bring healing you must fully address the wounds.

Please do not get stuck in the muck of shame -- only satan wants you to do that.  Admit that you have abused your wife.  Believe that God is the answer and that the husband can bring healing to his wife IF he will humble himself, apologize properly as needed (LOVER), REPENT, and be PRO-active in bringing good things, good attitudes, kind words upon his wife. (exercising the Fruit of the Spirit as much as possible)  In other words, become more Christlike, maturing in such a way as to honor God, the Maker of heaven and earth and us and marriage.

*added  hitting with an object 
Edited by Ward & June, 10 November 2010 - 12:54 PM.

Not now!

How often do we say that? Not now. To our wives and kids, not now. Something I have noticed recently. Most men, let most things, take most of their time that really belongs to their family. Really.  What rational person would make the most important people in their life take second place to a rerun of MASH? Most of us. It happens all the time. We allow every activity to take precedence over our true priorities. I do it and you do, too. Admit it and move on.
If I remember this correctly, Dr. James Dobson was the first one to point this out for me. He said we have to be willing to stop everything for a moment just because our family asks us to. So what if it's your 4 year old showing you the millionth crayon scribble, your teenager showing you her millionth goofy Facebook post or you wife with her millionth comment about some random thought she had today. If they really matter to you, give them the freedom to interrupt anything. If you brush them off enough, you won't ever have to do it again. Eventually, they won't give a crap about what you think. They won't care if you are impressed with them. They won't care if they ever see you again. Keep doing it and see if I am right.
Really, this is an easy one. You are going to have to train yourself on it. It will take conscious effort for a while. But, eventually, it will be your new nature. One interruption at a time. Just stop whatever you are doing, turn your entire body to them, make eye contact and give them your undivided attention.
This is new to me, too. I just learned this one a few weeks ago. But, it has made a huge difference already in how I relate to them and how they relate to me. These were quick results. Sme of these changes take months or years to see results. This one took days. Try it and see what happens.

This isn't a spectator sport

Hey guys. I know you're out there. I am getting way more traffic here than I expected. But, no comments or questions. This is not me on a soap box. I am not making big declarations that I have it all figured out. This is a journey. It has a moving target for a destination. By the time we have ourselves and our wives figured out, the circumstances have changed. We will never fully arrive. We are designed to pursue our game. They are designed to be pursued. So, I will never have all the answers. I keep finding new questions. Some of you have answers I need, I have some for you. I am a big boy. I can take a challenge if you don't agree with me. I am open enough to listen to another opinion. However, I know what I have been through. I know what worked and what didn't. An opinion without experience to back it up isn't worth much. I don't want to hear about Disney world from someone who hasn't been there.
Men don't normally ask for directions. Asking for advice or direction says that we aren't 100% sure or in control. No problem. Think of it as me asking you for help. Help me find areas to grow that I might not find on my own. There are lots of you who are older and wiser than me. Once, I told a much older friend that I was aggravated with the seniors in our church. He was confused and wanted to know why. So I told him. "You guys have seen so much more than I have. You have figured out things I don't even know need figuring out. You have life experiences that have been resolved, things I am struggling with right now. But you keep it to yourself. Even when someone like me is right here in front of you, totally open to whatever advice or criticism you may have, you don't give it. I see you as someone who has already worked their way through a mine field and won't share the map." He took that well. We ended up spending a lot of time together. I learned a lot from him over the next few years. He died a few years ago. Huge loss to everyone who never knew him, or let him speak into their lives.
We all have friends, mentors and protégées. People we just hang out with because like each other. People who are helping us grow. People we are helping grow. Don't we? If not, make it happen. I sat under Bishop Sam Drye and his amazing wife Rheba Drye for a lot of years. They poured so much into me. They taught me that "success without a successor is ultimately failure." Someone needs your wisdom, might be me.
As for friends, we need them. People we just like to be with. Maybe they make us better, maybe we make them better. Maybe we just make each other laugh. The goal should be for your wife to be your best friend. You are going to have to work for that one. Women take that BFF thing REALLY serious. They don't just decide to be best friends, you earn that.
So. Get off your butt. Grow up. Participate. Make yourself someone who your wife wants to be with. Humble yourself, let someone teach you things. Shut up once in a while and just listen. Seriously, especially when your wife is trying to give you the answer. Even if she is yelling the answer while throwing dishes at you. Listen to her. Even if the answers are buried in her anger. It may be the only way she will express herself to you, after you have pissed her off. Listen, hear, ponder, etc.
And while you are doing all this impressive self improvement, don't be afraid to ask questions and/or share some of what you are learning. They may need to hear it. I might. Heck, your wife might like to hear what you are figuring out. Trust me, she will let you know if you are right. She will probably pass out first or think she is dreaming. You... Asking for advice.... Or taking time to learn about relationships? Let me know what you figure out.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Bait and switch

Do you know what that means? Offered something you really want, but given something different? Is it something we like? Here's the scenario......
You come across a car on a lot that is everything you were looking for. It has all the features, the look, the performance, the excitement, the speed.... Everything. You can't live without it. Everything about the deal makes sense. It's worth the cost. It will be the last car you ever buy. It will last forever. It's the only car you ever want to drive. But, as soon as you drive off the lot, things go wrong. The performance just isn't as good as during the test drive. The handling is bad, it fights you at every turn.  The stereo keep playing the same song no matter how many times to try to change it. The keys that worked perfectly during the test drive aren't getting it to let you in every time. The body starts to fall apart and looks worse every time you see it. Yeah. You were setup to believe you were getting the ultimate machine and got a dud.
Why is marriage the same so many times? We are the perfect gentlemen when we are dating. We are interested in everything she has to say. We open doors for her. We rub her feet. We find gifts for her. We call her and talk about nothing sometimes, just to talk to her. We are willing to put every part of our life on hold, at a moments notice, just to be with her. Then we get married.
We quit listening to her and end up with someone we don't know. We don't rush to her when she needs us and then we call her a nag for repeating herself. We let our appearance go to hell because we aren't trying to bait in a date for Saturday night. We quit dating her. We quit learning her. We quit discovering her. We quit giving her the highest position in our life. She probably even gets in the way of what we want to do.
There should be a lemon law in marriage. If she has been more than ten years trying to get your attention and your affection, you go to some husband junkyard and just rust away. I would be there with you.
Why? What madness makes us bait our wives in with love and affection and then treat them like servants? Joel and Kathy Davisson at teach the reasons and solutions way better than I ever could. I suggest you visit their site, register with the forum and read what other guys did to fix these things. Or didn't. They have a monthly marriage intensive that rocked my world. I honestly went in thinking she was the problem. I just knew it. I had done everything I could to make her happy and she wasn't. Her fault, 100% sure of it.... Until the second day of the intensive. I had hurt her in several unforgivable ways. They showed me what it takes to save a family that had even gone that far. Even after the divorce papers were being passed out. Really. Go read.
I did the bait and switch to my wife. My daughter went through it. Joel and Kathy even watched their daughter go through it. They understand.
Our wives are designed to respond to what is given to them, good or bad. We live in the marriages we create. Neglect her, reject her, abuse her and your marriage is doomed. Love her, put her first, learn what she wants and make it happen. She will, eventually, become the woman you fell in love with, again. We have to step up and own the problems in our family. Start now.