Tuesday, April 23, 2013
I am going to pick a fight!
Might be crossing a line with this one. But, in the words of Mel Gibson pretending to be William Wallace.... "I'm going to pick a fight!"
There are three young ladies who mean the world to me. Oddly enough, they all look a lot like my bride. Wonderful girls with hearts of gold. Each one wonderful and unique, but enough alike that they become one single happy personality when you put them all together. Easy to love or fall in love with ladies like that.
They saw me at my worst. They saw my attitude become dark and caustic. They saw me transform into a monster. They know how our marriage started, how in love we were and what we have been through. They know what kind of butthead I became. Two of them have been through the crap with a guy like me. They started off like the perfect guy but changed after the wedding. (Go read my last few posts about all the reasons) They started off seeing these girls as who they wanted them to be. Beautiful, funny and potentially perfect trophy wives. The dating game didn't work out. It should have been a time to learn each other, but it wasn't. The guys didn't learn the girls, didn't take the time to understand them and their needs. The marriages were doomed by nice guys who talk good but don't listen. Pretty common problem. Like I told my girls, the big difference between you and me... At one time, I WAS a teenage boy. Yep. I know what goes on inside a guy's head. I was that guy who talked a good game but never really delivered. I was that jerk who told the girls whatever they wanted to hear. The guy who made promises he never intended to keep. (Sorry to the poor girls who expected more out of me back then) I am a recovering jackass. Trust me, I am practically an expert on how guys operate. So, here's my challenge....
Not just to these three perfect ladies, but to any single ladies out there (Especially the ones who seem to be loser magnets.) I want you to test these guys. Size them up before you make any commitment to them. Think about it like an investment. You are about to commit to something that will affect the rest of your life. You don't buy a house or a car or even a cheeseburger without giving it some thought. Why would you jump into a relationship with someone who just gives you information without letting you negotiate the deal? Don't you shop around before buying a car? Don't you visit several houses before signing a contract? Don't you consider health ratings and the condition of the bathroom before deciding to eat that cheeseburger? One great piece of advice I got about investments. "The high majority of decisions are purely emotional. Emotional decisions are rarely good ones." Used car salesmen know about the "walk away." That customer who doesn't need to argue, or haggle or complain. They put an offer out there, state their case and shut up. If their offer isn't good enough, they just walk away and find someone who will meet their conditions. Don't be afraid to walk away. Don't sell yourself short and get stuck with a potential abuser. Filter out the losers. Being alone is probably better than neglected or abused.
So, test them. Here's the trick, don't EVER tell them it's a test. Ask for something and see if it happens. Mention what your favorite candy or flower is, casually. Give it a few days or a week and mention that you would love some candy or flowers. Do not tell them what kind, tell them to just pick something. Do not make excuses for them later. When you mention that you love payday bars because you love peanuts and hate chocolate, there's no excuse for getting a three musketeers handed to you. If you mention that you love daisys because they are simple with no thorns, there's no excuse for getting a rose. Seriously. It's not petty stuff, it's the details that add up to perfection. If you tell a guy you are a vegan and can't even be around meat, don't even look back when he takes you to Burger King. You might have a friend to hang out with, but not a great match for lifelong companionship.
Honestly, when a guy just blathers on about how much he loves you, without ANY REAL EVIDENCE, he doesn't or doesn't understand love at all. Most guys use love to get sex and girls use sex to get love. When most guys say "I love you" to a pretty young thing it means they want in their pants. But, most guys honestly think they understand love and that's just part of it. It's not. Give yourself to the guy who loves you completely. Who knows you. The guy who does good things for you and has a track record for being honest and dependable. If he's divorced, don't be afraid to do a "credit check" with the ex-wife. She can probably tell you stuff you are going to learn the hard way. You don't have to sneak around either. Does he have something to hide?
I am not about bashing other guys. Seriously. I just can't take watching my favorite people treated like doormats or abused. I desperately want them to meet that guy who loves them as much as their family. The guy who understands how valuable and precious they are. And, as parents. Look at it like this. At the wedding, you are handing off a family treasure to someone who promises to take care of it. How are you going to feel when you visit and see it damaged and neglected? I know how I felt.
We can't all make perfect decisions. We, as men, are not perfect and will make mistakes. We just can't keep making the same ones over and over. Men can change, if they see a legitimate need and decide to do it. Ladies, don't commit to an idiot thinking you can change him. You won't. Just think about it. Decide your own value before you let someone else tell you.
Sorry about the rabbit trail here. Just needed to run awhile.